I'm bringing sexy back...Lisa’s Nips & Stiffies!
Please bear in mind, while you are reading this blog-post that I am a Naturopath providing lifestyle advice. I’m not a counsellor, therapist, psychotherapist, psychologist, or any kind of mental health practitioner.
In this blog-post I’ll be focused on heterosexual sex. This is because in my clinic I primarily deal with females, many of whom suffer from a low libido who in turn have to deal with a long-suffering male partner. Also, keep in mind that I make many generalisations about men + women and their respective sex drives. I’m well aware that what I say below isn’t true for everybody, however in my clinical experience it is true for the majority.
Note: Some of the concepts/ideas that I recommend may also apply to non-heterosexual couples. Proceed as you see fit…
Sugar, spice and everything nice.
When it comes to sex, it’s pretty simple, really.
Most males want it ALL the time.
And most females prefer chocolate.
I'll just have the chocolate body paint thanks — hold the sex!
We go together...
We all need to constantly remind ourselves that girl sex is completely different to boy sex.
For females — we have to be ‘in the mood’ for sex.
For males — well, you guys just have to ‘be’…
The number of women I talk to in my practice who have little to no interest in sex is huge. And this, lovers, is a huge problem for a number of reasons:
While masturbation is always an option, sex is something best done in pairs. Our ‘bits’ are helpfully designed to slot into each other. Therefore, a female’s low libido can cause a huge problem for her significant other.
A female’s lack of libido is often a symptom of a health condition. Please see my previous blog-post about this.
Sex is good for you. It can help to balance your hormones, improve your relationship with your lover, and lift your mood. It can lower your blood pressure, and it can improve your self esteem. Sex, as many of you will already know, is also a good work-out (it burns quite a few calories, and boosts the metabolism). It also helps you to sleep better, reduces stress, and makes you feel calm.
Therefore, while I’m working with my clients on addressing the underlying cause of their lack of interest in sex, in the interim, I like to recommend a traditional little aphrodisiac — hard liquor!
Note: The underlying causes of a low libido may include other health conditions such as stress, poor thyroid function, depression, frequent headaches or migraines, and recurring thrush. The side-effects of some medications can also cause a poor sex drive.
I find it incredibly fascinating that many (many) women are surprisingly unaware of the different effects that different types of alcohol can have on you. They don’t realise that wine — for example — does nothing to enhance their sex life (regardless of what Google says about red wine). When we have ‘sex + alcohol’ talks at OOMPH — we have a right royal, rip-snorting time. It’s like opening up a whole new fantasy world for these women. It really feels like you’re administering hope to them.
From what I’ve seen, us girls are totally down for some ‘liquid libido’. We love the idea of having a little something to help take the pressure off; to make us feel sexy; to make us feel uninhibited; to make us actually feel like engaging in a bit of Shoo-bop Sha-wadda-wadda Yippity-boom-de-boom…
Compatible parts but incompatible brains.
If it needs a bottle opener...
It's not really a leg opener!
For us chicks, wine is all we ever seem to drink. It’s our ‘go to’ alcoholic beverage for every occasion. Wine has therefore become commonplace — it’s just not that special. (Even though we might alternate between red, white, rosé, and bubbles.) And, if we’re honest, we can pretty easily come up with all sorts of different ‘excuses’ in which to drink this fermented grape juice.
We drink it:
—after work to unwind
—while socialising with friends.
And, while wine is portrayed as a romantic drink to enjoy with your significant other — again — let’s be honest. When you drink this stuff you’re more likely to end-up snogging, snuggling, spooning and then sleeping — than you are to end-up shagging.
Wine might be easy to drink…
But it certainly doesn’t make you ‘easy’!
(Unless of course you’re super un-classy and drink it to excess.)
The moral of this story — drink wine (and beer) — in moderation — when you want social lubrication and to unwind. However, if you want sexual lubrication — look no further than the ‘top shelf’.
Note: Some of my female clients say that Champagne or bubbly wine makes them feel sexy. This is probably because effervescence makes you feel quite light-headed, giddy + girly quite quickly… in the short-term.
What's your love potion?
Gin makes you sin
Whisky makes you frisky
Brandy makes you randy
And, Rum makes you _ _ _
Getting into the raunchy details
This is what I recommend to my female clients:
1) Get your significant other to take you to a classy bar on ‘date night’. (Have a light meal before-hand.)
You can choose to tell your man what’s ‘going on’ or not; depending on what you (or him) find more sexy.
2) Try 1—2 Cocktails (below) with one particular type of spirit base — be that gin, vodka, whisky, tequila. You’re looking to feel ‘sexy’ — not angry or annoying. (Also, this is NOT about your taste preference.)
3) You’re not aiming to get drunk. (Slurring + stumbling is not sexy.) Instead get playful + confident. Less is definitely more.
4) Take your man home and ‘have your way’ with him.
5) Next week, try a different type of spirit to see what impact that has on you — and your love life.
Please note: You’re not going to be sat there boozing all night. You’re going there relatively early, staying for maybe an hour-ish, and then you’re coming back for some ‘nookie’. (It should take you about that long to sip my ‘Stiff Nips’ below!) Also, the less you drink during the week, the more you will experience a definite ‘state change’ when you have ‘a couple’ of drinks…
Again, less is more.
Give your girl a 'stiffy'
Lisa's Nips & Stiffies
Try out these classic cocktails:
Gin OR Vodka
Vermouth (aromatized, fortified wine — you can get sweet, medium or dry)
Campari (a liqueur)
FYI: This s**t can be crazy bitter. And, it doesn’t go with any type of food.
Cointreau (a orange flavoured liqueur)
Please note: None of these cocktails contain added sugar, syrup or fruit juice. You can’t drink these like ‘lolly water’. You have to sip them slowly. And, I always recommend you get the whole date experience by ‘going out’ and having these drinks in their requisite ‘special glass’. Also, the exorbitant prices of these drinks — when bought at a good bar — will ensure that you don’t over-do-it. Men, whatever you do, DO NOT comment on the price of these drinks — it is NOT conducive to sex 😉
You want to get out of your head, not off your face —
My top tips for women
01—FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
The more you have sex, the more you remove the anxiety and apprehension you’ve attached to it.
The more you have sex, the more you want to have sex.
The more you have sex, the more you begin to correct the imbalances that may be the underlying cause of your initial disinterest i.e hormonal imbalance, ongoing stress, and lost intimacy with your partner.
However, in the initial stages — to make things easier on yourself — imbibe 1-2 glasses of ‘Liquid Libido’ beforehand. In these early phases, at least this will give you something to look forward to — and help to take the pressure off.
02—Set some ground-rules
Admit to your man that you’re experiencing a problem with your libido and not him.
Tell him that you love him, and that you want to be close to him.
Tell him that you’d like his help to ensure you’re at least having weekly sex. (From what I’ve heard in my discussions, if you promise him ‘once a week’… it’ll be a LOT more than what he’s currently getting!)
Decide a night that suits you both — and just stick to that night to begin with.
Note: In the initial stages, when you’re suffering from a low libido, it’s a big effort to engage in sex. Therefore setting ground-rules will ensure you won’t have to butt-clench during the day or ‘play dead’ during the night, thinking that he might ‘try it on’ outside the designated sexy-time.
03—Stick to the program
It stops you feeling so guilty all.the.god.damn.time. And, it lets him know that you’re trying — that you’re invested in this important aspect of your relationship.
Remember that the purpose of partaking in this activity is to improve the health of all parties concerned.
Note: If there is something that prevents you from performing on date night (e.g. you have your ‘period’) then you owe him one before the next date night 😉
Things you can say to a man to get them into bed... that you can't say to a woman.
01—Okay then... but no kissing!
02—Okay, but you've only got 5 minutes...
03—Okay, but no 'fancy stuff'...
Men, here's what you can do to help us 'get in the mood'
01—Appeal to us
Remind us that you’re not just a walking penis — that you’re not just using us for target practice…
Remind us that you have feelings; that you love us and like to feel close to us.
02—Subtly remind us that we're on a schedule
Remind us that we have a schedule. Otherwise we will forget. It’s not one of our priorities — however, YOU are. x
Be careful though: Ask if there is anything that you can do to help us to be less stressed — and to remove any distractions from our ‘date night’.
03—Make an effort
Dress up real nice and put some sexy ‘smellies’ on. Then take us to a fancy bar. Talk with us and buy us drinks.
Note: I ain’t no feminist when it comes to being bought a drink by my man. It makes me feel all girly 😉
Again, do NOT mention the cost of these drinks! Things will not end well for you…
04—KEEP TO THE Programme
In our minds, once we’ve had ‘the sex’ we think we’re in the clear for a while. So please (please!) don’t get on ‘a roll’ the next day. (At least in the initial phases.)
You’ll make us regret having ‘put-out’, if you take advantage of this ‘kindness’…
Note: Please know that the more we start feeling comfortable about sex the more we’ll want to have it with you. The more you stick to your end of the bargain, the more we’ll stick to our end.
05—Keep to the bases during the week
Do we really have to go ‘all the way’ every time? Thinking that we have to do this, even puts us off kissing you guys sometimes… Because y’all get so carried away.
Practice restraint during the week.
For the greater good, sometimes you guys just need to be content with a wet kiss and a bit of a grope.
06—You're always hard...
We're never easy.
You’re never going to figure your woman out…
But keep trying anyway — it’s part of the fun!
Give your woman a few ‘free passes’. Sometimes, you might just have to be content with a cuddle — we women are highly mercurial creatures.
We will really appreciate that you did this. Hell, we may even treat you to some ‘unsuspecting sex’ at another random point in the week — as our wee way of saying, ‘Thanks.’ 😉
07—And, for Christ's sake...
Play hard to get once-in-a-while!
Ladies, can I get an ‘amen’?